The Soul Mate Medium

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
—Oscar Wilde

We all have something to say. We all have feelings about everything that happens in our relationship. We all request that our partners be truthful and honest because most of us have had the rather painful experience of being hurt by lies and some form of deception. Most of what we communicate we believe we are doing because our partner “needs” to know how we feel, we are “just trying to be honest,” or our partner has asked us to be truthful. We often end up creating a great deal of damage to the relationship in how we present our “truth.”
Yes, it is important to be truthful and honest. To be deceitful or devious is wrong, and in a Love relationship it is unacceptable. The only way Love can exist by definition is if there is trust, and trust cannot exist if there is any deception present in the relationship.
There are two different ways to be truthful. The first way I call Enhancement Truth®. In speaking Enhancement Truth® we do what is best for the relationship. Both partners’ feelings are taken into consideration, our communication is compassionate, Loving, and leads only to proactive dialogue that supports the growth of the relationship and the rectification of the conflicts. The second form of truth is destructive truth. Unfortunately this is the truth that most of us speak, and it is the way in which we know to be truthful. We just speak our truth because we need to “get it off our chest,” or have our partner understand “our truth.” We have a tendency in this kind of truthfulness to focus on what is not working for us, what is wrong, and how in one way or another we are being wronged or failed. We are often frustrated and angry. Destructive Truthfulness® never leads to anything positive for the relationship; it creates more problems, hurt feelings, and sets up a lack of safety in the relationship.

Enhancement Truth® serves these purposes and these purposes only: to enhance the relationship, to make it better, more pleasurable, and more enjoyable, and to deepen the Love and trust. To participate in Enhancement Truth® the following nine criteria must be able to be met.
1. I am clear about how I feel, what I want to express, and why.
2. It is best for the relationship.
3. I am living in the moment.
4. I can express myself in a calm, grounded way, using a soft, gentle voice. I can express myself with Love and compassion, taking my partner and their feelings and point of view into consideration.
5. I can express positives about the relationship.
6. I am clear how I would like my communication to better the relationship/situation.
7. I am ready to share my proactive ideas on how to have my statements work as a bridge to solutions.
8. I am ready, willing, and open to listen to my partner’s input.
9. I will not repeat myself. I will understand that I was heard and responded to and deal with it from there.

I Am Clear About How I Feel, What I Want to Express, and Why
Often what drives us to feel the need to speak “our truth” is we feel angry and/or wronged. We want our partner to understand our point of view and to “get it.” In those moments we are not communicating out of Love, but anger. In those moments some part of us is looking to punish our partner for what they did or did not do. Maybe we are looking to relieve our own guilt or dissipate our own feelings. So I ask you to ask yourself the very important questions: “What do I really need to say?” “Why do I feel like I need to say this?”

It Is Best for the Relationship
Doing what is best for the relationship means that the communication supports the relationship. It means that both partners are taken into consideration in thought and deed, in feeling and belief system. There must be a point to the communication that supports the further building of trust and Love.

I Am Living in the Moment
Living in the moment means only the here and now exist. Look at whether the truth you feel you need to bring up has something to do with unresolved issues from the past or anxiety about the future. Each moment of a relationship is a new beginning. The past is over; there is nothing that can be done about it. Enjoy the memory, honor what that moment gave you, or forgive and let go of whatever did not work for you or how you believe you were wronged. The future will be whatever it is. Bring up only what is affecting the relationship right now. The baggage of yesterday has no place in the beauty of now.

I Can Express Myself in a Calm, Grounded Way, Using a Soft, Gentle Voice. I Can Express Myself With Love and Compassion, Taking my Partner and Their Feelings and Point of View Into Consideration
The energy with which we express ourselves has a direct effect on how we are heard and cooperated with. If our partner feels under attack they will more than likely do one of three things: attack, defend themselves, or tune out all together. None of these options will help you better your relationship. Speaking in terms that allow your partner to feel understood and taken into consideration will allow them to feel Loved and will have them want to cooperate.

I Can Express Positives About the Relationship
It is too easy to fall into criticism. The more you can acknowledge the good stuff, the better you will feel and the better you will be able to communicate from a place of Love. The more your partner can hear you speak of the good stuff, the more appreciated and Loved they will feel.

I Am Clear on How I Would Like My Communication to Better the Relationship/Situation
The clearer you are, the clearer you will be understood. You will be a lot less likely to wander or get caught up in irritated feelings. You will also keep your focus on the positive goal for the communication as well as the relationship.

I Am Ready to Share My Proactive Ideas on How to Have My Statements Work as a Bridge to Solutions
In bringing issues up you must be clear about what you do want. In coming up with ideas you are not only setting a example of how things can work out, you are also giving a starting point for all the amazingly creative and Loving solutions the two of you will create.

I Am Ready, Willing, and Open to Listen to My Partner’s Input
Expect feelings. They have every right to feel whatever they feel about what was said. Just listen and Love. They will have some great ideas that you will not have thought of. Expect pleasant surprises. Listen and honor your partner’s truth and experience.

I Will Not Repeat Myself. I Will Understand That I Was Heard and Responded to and Deal With It From There
Repeating yourself is like beating someone over the head with your point of view. People need a chance to process what has been said and to put into effect whatever had been agreed upon. Just trust. Trust your partner, trust yourself, trust the relationship.
Enhance your truth, enhance your communication, enhance your relationship, enhance your life. Deeper Love and trust will be yours!

© 2007 Erika Morrell

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
—Lao Tzu

I have to be honest, fall is my favorite time of year. I love the fall. It’s a time of renewal for me. I have always looked at fall as a time to let go. Perhaps since I grew up on the East Coast, I envision myself as a tree whose leaves turn beautiful colors, the last glorious moment of existence to show all of what they are, and then fall to the ground. I drop the “leaves” of my life, the parts of my life that I am finished with, have outgrown, and that simply do not serve me anymore. Thoughts or belief systems that hold me back from my greatness are released. It is freeing.
Many times we hold beliefs about ourselves—who we are, our likes and dislikes, what is acceptable to us and not. While these understandings about ourselves and how we move through the world are all well and good, they ultimately limit what we know and think and how big we can dream. When we are willing to let go of all of our preconceived ideas about ourselves, we leave ourselves open to the universe providing us with something “beyond our wildest dreams.” We become who we are at a deeper level, we become more of who we are.
The same is true of our relationships. At some point a decision was made. We decided what we feel we want. We decided what we think will make us happy. We decided what shape our relationship will have to take to provide us with what we want. This leaves a very small margin of error for our partner, who for the most part is unaware of our decisions and has made their own decisions. In this scenario, which I have heard about from my clients so many times, the relationship ceases to be about freedom and starts to be about control. We are unavailable to see how our desires are being met because they do not take shape as we think they should in order to make us “happy.” We feel the need to start telling our partner how they need to behave in order for us to be happy. At this point we spend our time looking for how our partner does or does not do what we have asked. We spend our time feeling frustrated, hurt, and wondering what we are going to do about the situation, instead of spending our time seeing that we are getting what would make us happy.
We have limited ourselves and our relationship. Our fantasy, experiences, and history have dictated how things “need” to be. We are not living in the moment, in what the relationship is. We are missing the uniqueness of the relationship, the beauty of what it is. We are not able to see or, more important, feel all it provides for us.
We can have a relationship that provides for us “beyond our wildest dreams” if we can just let go. If we can allow ourselves to let go of our expectations, let go of how we think things “should” be, let go of how we believe love is expressed, let go of what we believe love is and how it works, let go of needing proof that the relationship is good. Just let it all go.
Most of us are afraid to let go in our relationship. We are afraid that if we stop working so hard or stop trying to control it, we will lose it. In reality, it is quite the opposite. A flower needs room to grow and bloom, and so does a relationship. If you try to pull up a flower to have it grow faster, change its direction of growth, or force it open to bloom on your timetable, you will kill it. A flower knows what do to grow big and beautiful, and so does your relationship. Left to its own devices, timing, experiences, and love, the relationship will grow and provide both partners with what they want and need. By now you may be asking, how do I let go? I am glad you asked.
How to let go:
• Do nothing. There is really nothing to do. Just be.
• Stop worrying. Just live in the moment. You cannot control the future. Many have tried, all have failed. The future will take care of itself. It will be whatever it is meant to be.
• Set your relationship free! When you feel the need to direct, help, or micromanage your partner, don’t. See what happens when you just let it be. If you are having trouble, ask yourself this question: Does this create more freedom in the relationship or less?
• Stop judging it. Your relationship is perfect. If you are judging, you are most likely being critical. It is hard to have fun, enjoy yourself, feel safe to make mistakes, or even be yourself if someone is criticizing you. Everyone is doing the very best they can. I know no one who says, “Let me do the worst job I can in this relationship.”
• Allow yourself to believe that the universe knows better than you do. The old adage “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it” comes from the idea that we often do not know how to get what we want, nor do we know what is best for us. The universe does, and if we let go it will make sure we are provided for.
• Enjoy! Have a new and freeing relationship. Allow yourself to experience a new level of ease and love.
Set your relationship free! Let go! Stop worrying about what it is or isn’t. Stop Worrying about what works for you and what doesn’t. Just be present in what is. Be present in the moment. Stop taking the temperature of the relationship. Stop judging it, worrying about it, and controlling it. Just enjoy it! Have fun! Set it free! Love!

©2007 Erika Morrell

Have a go. Anybody can do it.
—Allen Parker

Are you ready to have some fun? This month I am going to talk about an aspect of relationships that really jazzes me, collaboration! It is creative, expansive, educating, unifying, and a constant trip into deeper understanding. I will joyously talk about four aspects of collaboration: teamwork, commitment, harmony, and thriving. These elements allow a relationship to become an artistic expression of the two participants while they create this masterpiece entitled, “The Relationship.”
• Teamwork
Teamwork is defined as a “cooperative effort by the members of a group or team to achieve a common goal.” You and your partner are the “team”; what is your common goal? For most people it is to have a fabulous, nurturing, and Love-filled relationship. A relationship works very much like a team. Each person offers special talents and strengths. They have each developed certain skills, based on their life experience. These very different talents, strengths, and skills are used in combination to have the team be successful. One person’s talents do not make a team, nor could a successful team be made up entirely of players that play the same position. Teammates need to work together to communicate, to each play their position, and to both support the strengths and compensate for the weaknesses in their partner. Being a member of a team, you are asked to set aside your own individual needs for what will ultimately be best for the team. In a relationship you are asked to set aside your own needs, and Lovingly nurture the relationship. What is best for the relationship comes first.
It is not uncommon for me to hear clients complain that their partner is not like them. They do not take care of the house as good as they would, or handle money as responsibly as they do. Often each partner is looking for the other to play the same position as they do. The truth is, if one partner is stronger at managing money and the other is stronger at keeping house, as long as they are working together you have a good team. It is not about being the same; it is about supporting the differences in the way that makes the team stronger.
• 100-Percent Commitment
Collaboration means a 100-percent commitment to putting the relationship first. This requires that we learn how to deal with our selfish side, that our individual needs and wants take a backseat to what is best for the relationship. Everything is not “my way or the highway,” and we will very rarely get “what we want, how we want it, when we want it.” This does not mean we get nothing. This merely means that our needs are met within the framework of what is best for the relationship, and the majority of life becomes one happy compromise, and at times a not so happy compromise, but a compromise nonetheless. In those moments comfort can be taken in the fact that we have put the relationship first and that you are doing what is best for the relationship.
In putting the relationship first we are creating a Loving and nurturing atmosphere that allows each partner to discover how the other deals with different situations the best and where their strengths and weaknesses are. We learn how we can best support and communicate with them, as well as how we need to be supported and communicated with. We ultimately learn how to treat the other person as we would like to be treated. It is a constant state of consciousness.
• Working in Harmony
Working in harmony allows the ebb and flow of compromise to develop. It is in that way that each other’s strengths are enhanced and weaknesses are minimized. What is important to each partner becomes clear. How to meet one another’s needs becomes more clear. What we need and how we can accept it in the framework of what is best for the relationship becomes clear.
Harmony allows us the ability to view what is in the best interest of the relationship. In harmony we have the ability to view all the ways that the focus on me, can become the focus on we. “Who is going to get their way”—the battle that often exists between couples—starts to exist less and less. When the needs of one partner are in the “best interest of the relationship,” they are embraced. Before you know it, it becomes second nature to put the relationship first. You no longer ask, “What is best for me?” You ask, “What is best for the relationship?” Ultimately it is what is best for you and your partner. You are nurturing your Love.
• Thriving
Through collaboration partners end up complementing each other. There is a balance that is naturally struck. The discoveries that are made as an individual and as part of a couple let us gain insight into who we are at a deeper level. These insights have us understand our partner and who we are in relationship to them. We can start to let go of the insecure feeling of needing to control another person, the fear of not getting our needs met, and start to understand that our needs will be met. We will start to understand that our needs will be met even if it happens in a way that is not how we picture or are familiar with. We learn to trust that someone is there for us with Love, appreciation, respect, and support. Collaboration gives us the freedom to create whatever it is we want. No one has to change who they are or manipulate the other person. Each person is supported in being exactly who they are as an entire person, and from that a third energy is co-created, who the two people are together.
Collaboration is art. Be creative, play with it, have fun! Love every minute of it. Love.
©2007 Erika Morrell

Love is keeping your room clean.
—Mr. Fred Rogers

     I mentioned to my client, Stacy, that I intended to use a quote from Mr. Rogers to open my article this month. She enquired, “Which quote could you possibly use that would have anything to do with adult Love?” “Love is keeping your room clean,” I responded. She broke out laughing. “God, is that the truth!” Stacy would know. She had never been able to have a successful long-term relationship with a man, or any real relationship to speak of. She had been abandoned, lied to, and hurt repeatedly by the men in her life, and it felt to her as if that was all she would ever experience.
     Stacy’s room was dirty. Her heart was cluttered with all the stories, pain, hurt, and disappointment that she had experienced in her life. All the memories that had been created, all the wrong choices she had made, and all the times that she should have seen the signs were scattered all over the floor. She was unable to find the gifts that had been given to her in recent years. The kind men, with integrity, honor, and genuine feeling for her got lost in the mess. They were hard for her to find, once they had entered her room, her heart, they became part of the mess, never to be seen again. It is hard to find anything in a dirty room.
     Most of us know how to keep house, very few of us know how to Keep Heart®. We carry around our history and pain, most of the time unaware of how much it actually affects us. Every part of our existence—our thoughts, feelings toward people, decisions we make, who we are attracted to, how we hear things, and how we react to the situations in our lives, especially with our partners or potential partners—are all greatly affected by how dirty our room is. Everything we see is filtered through the dirt. For example, if Cindy lied to me, used me, betrayed me, and ultimately broke my heart, and she had once told me that Al Green was her favorite singer, when I meet Jill, whose favorite singer happens to be Al Green, I will assume that I know who she is and how I will be treated by her. The truth is that I have no idea who Jill is, how I will feel about her, or how she will treat me. I am looking at her from across my dirty room. Even if I chose to spend time with her, I would be looking for proof that she was like Cindy. I will never really be able to truly let her in, to truly see her. It is hard to see clearly in a messy room.
     Probably one of the most challenging parts of having to clean your room is that it’s hard to let anyone in. We are humiliated that it is a mess. We are afraid of being judged on its condition. How will I be perceived? What will this room say about me? Can I be Loved if my room is a mess? There is no room in here—where would we sit? It is hard when we have not had the opportunity to become fully conscious of how wounded we are, to heal our wounds, or to become close to anyone. Most of us have the expectation that we are going to be hurt again just like before. We prepare for that inevitability by protecting ourselves one way or another. Our room is covered with all the things that keep our painful memories alive. We have not yet thrown out the trash.
     Our room is so crowded that there is nowhere to put the new gifts, the new experiences, the new Love. It all has to be placed in the same room. The heart, surrounded by all the mess, these shiny new gifts, the special people, the beautiful Love, somehow loses some of the shine. We do not have the chance to experience all the Love that is a part of our life now in an accurate way.
How to Keep Heart®:
• Love yourself enough to clean your room.
• Start by remembering that your past is your past; it does not dictate your future. You can allow yourself to make different choices. You can allow yourself to be Loved.
• Make a list of all the beautiful, Loving things about you. Please don’t hold back. I have always found it interesting how hard it is for people to say kind words about themselves. I am giving permission for you to go to town. Brag away. You are one of a kind. Special. I want to hear it all; I want you to hear it all. List every last beautiful word about you!
• Make a list of all the people who have hurt you that you feel are significant or that come to mind.
• Make a chart. First write the person’s name. What age you were. Then the story of what happened in as much detail as possible. Then how it made you feel. Next, think and write down the belief about yourself and life that developed out of that experience. Look at how those beliefs play out in your life now. Ask yourself what is real. Then write out how you will move through the world with your new realization.
Example:
Name: John Scott
Age this happened: 15
Story: He was my first Love. Fed me everything I wanted to hear—they were all lies. He broke up with me after I would not sleep with him. After the breakup, he started to pursue my younger sister.
How it made me feel: Heartbroken, ugly, unlovable, unwanted, rejected, and stupid.
Beliefs: I am not Lovable. My sister is more desirable then I am. I will never have what I want. Love equals hurt and betrayal. It is all a lie.
How they play out: I do not trust Love. I am preparing to be hurt. I can not truly be intimate. I do not believe I am as beautiful as I need to be. I am just being used.
What is real: I am lovable, beautiful, and I now have what I want. Love is a beautiful adventure that I am blessed and thankful to be a part of. Everything that I still desire is on its way to me now.
How I now move through the world: With Love in my heart. I am confident in all that makes me beautiful. I see all the Love that surrounds me, and keep my heart open. I have trust and faith that all I desire is on its way now.
• Allow yourself to forgive and let go of the past. Move into the truth about the special, glorious person you are. Have faith that Love surrounds you and that that person is out there looking for you.

I am happy to announce that Stacy has just become engaged! She credits Heart Keeping® for finally being able to see Love clearly, and allowing her Soul Mate to see her. So I dedicate this to Stacy.
Remember, when you clean house it becomes a beautiful day in the neighborhood every day!

© 2007 Erika Morrell

You read me well enough to sense how I feel about you and what you do on this ship, but I just wanted to say the words. Thank you. Well done.
—Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation

We Love to hear nice things. It makes us feel recognized, appreciated, and Loved. Our expectation of the world is that we will be treated kindly, recognized for our efforts and generosities. The funny thing about Love is that sometimes we forget. Endless things take place in a relationship on a daily basis, life happens, and, yes, sometimes we forget, but more often than not we start to hold our Love relationship to higher standards then we hold most of our other relationships. As well we should. By holding it to a higher standard, we sometimes begin to take the other person and what they do for granted. As we get used to being treated better, that is rightly our expectation, but sometimes we lose sight of just how many blessings and gifts we receive. We are so lucky.
Hearing that you are Loved, valued, and appreciated for all you do never gets old. Being able to speak your Love, gratitude, and appreciation actually allows your Love to grow stronger. When you acknowledge an act of Love, your gesture opens up the other person to speak their Love to you as well. The acknowledgements and Love build on each other to grow the Love. The other bonus that acknowledgement gives you is the desire for both partners to give more.
Looking for acts of Love keep you focused on the beauty of the relationship versus the challenges. To feel and show your appreciation for your partner running to the store for you may help you to feel that the garbage not going out is really no big deal. As what we focus on grows (the laws of attraction), keeping our focus on the gifts of the relationship means we will see and be part of more gifts. To allow ourselves to experience and express more Love means that we will be filled with more Love.
One of the most common mistakes in relationships is assuming that because our partner knows how we feel about them, they don’t want or need to hear it. Yes, both partners should feel secure in how the other feels about them, but this does not mean that hearing about it does not make them feel good. Relationships are interesting in that at any given time there are moments of insecurity and deep vulnerability, and pressure, feelings that may be a product of the relationship or of life. Hearing Loving and supportive words helps to ease those feelings, especially when they are delivered without any statement or long discussion about how you are feeling.
Another beautiful way of expressing Love, appreciation, and gratitude is in writing. In my relationship, in which appreciation abounds, some of the words I hold dearest to my heart are the ones that the man I Love has written to me. When we are in a rough moment or I need to remember just how much I am Loved, I can go back to the cards and letters and read them. If I feel extremely passionate or appreciative, I often choose to write my feelings in a card or letter.
Lists that express why you Love and appreciate your relationship are another very powerful way to share your feelings and grow your Love. Sometimes when we Love someone, we never take the time to understand the reasons why we Love them. The greatest joy can come from the discovery that way more reasons exist then we would have thought, and that the one we Love brings us more gifts then we would have believed.
There are some of you out there who may be having somewhat of an anxiety attack when you think about expressing yourself more then you do right now. There is truly nothing to fear. It is not about being a poet, or even saying things in exactly the right way. It is as simple as paying attention to how you feel, and then expressing yourself to the best of your ability.
Ways to Express Your Love:
• Notice as many Loving things as you can.
• Begin to recognize how your partner expresses their Love for you. There are as many different ways to express Love as there are people. Everyone has their very own individual way.
• As much as you can, express your Love, appreciation, and gratitude in the moment. The moment will hold the most authentic and powerful feelings, but anytime your partner is acknowledged will be meaningful.
• Listen to the Love that comes back to you. Breathe it in. Allow yourself to experience it.
• Write your Love in a card or a letter. There does not have to be an occasion, just a feeling.
• Watch your Love grow.
The more you express yourself, the easier it will get. For those of you that are creative, you may find that you are driven to express yourself in creative ways. Allow yourself to express your Love in whatever way comes to mind. I was filled with such joy and thanks one morning, I wrote my expressions of Love all over the shower with bathtub crayons. Needless to say, he was surprised.
Love is not small. Words are not trite. We want the one we Love to be happy; they want us to be happy as well. The more willing we are to be conscious of what they give and the more vulnerable and verbal we are willing to be, the more likely our partner will be to take the same risks. When there is a constant flow of Love and appreciation, it only leads to more of the same, allowing us to feel a little more seen, a little more appreciated, and a lot more Loved. How blessed we are, how much easier things seem. What a beautiful world we live in.

©2007 Erika Morrell

Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned.
—Marianne Williamson

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
—Jay Leno

    Some of you might find this a little hard to believe—I do not support Valentine’s Day. There is something that happens to us, a madness of sorts; those that are single become depressed, angry, and vow to revenge their new sworn enemies…the couple. They are convinced that they are unloveable, will never be loved, and are less worthy then those in relationships. Couples fall into one of two categories: the Fantastical Fantasy Seeker® and the Pressure Panicked Partner®. The Fantasy Seeker has built up the day or night into an epic romantic happening. One of two outcomes are to be expected: the great disappointment, since no one could live up to the fantasy; or the “why can’t it always be that way” letdown. The night goes off without a hitch. It goes beyond our wildest expectation, but then the next day…back to reality. Over the years it has been my observation that the fantasy suddenly becomes the new expectation of our partner. “You did it then, why can’t you do it now,” can be heard echoing throughout relationships everywhere. We have placed our partner in a position where we expect something that is not sustainable. We now feel the relationship is not good enough. We have seen our fantasy, daily life is our fantasy, and we are now unhappy. Oh, and my heart goes out to the Pressured Partner who will expend all of their energy to have everything be perfect. When their efforts are not received as they had hoped, they often feel a sense of failure in disappointing their partner. They feel unloved and underappreciated. As my good friend Allen says, (especially when he wants to get me to laugh), “This has got disaster written all over it.”
    Love is every moment of life. Whether you are single or a member of a partnership, Love is a state of being that exists in everything we do, every moment we live. It is not a feeling that is reserved for a certain person on a certain day. If that is the way it is viewed, there is a greater issue here—we do not understand anything about Love. As far as romance is concerned, it is the gift of creative expression that we share with the universe in celebration of the sacredness and intimacy of our lives. Those moments are between the universe and us. If we invite someone else to that party, great, but that party is still thrown no matter who is showing up for that celebration is the recognition of life!
    Most people do not really know how Valentine’s Day got started or its history. Valentine’s Day developed under the Roman Christian Church around 325 A.D. to put a stop to a pagan holiday known as Lupercalia. Lupercalia was celebrated on February 15 in ancient Rome to appease the god Lupercus, in order to protect livestock and crops, especially from wolves. The “festival of sexual license” included young girls whose names were picked from a bowl by boys who subsequently claimed them for a year for sex, sacrifices of animals, and the flogging of women to insure fertility. The feast of Saint Valentine, named for one of several martyred saints of ancient Rome, was first decreed in 496 A.D., but February 14 and Love weren’t associated with the holiday until the 14th century. That is when the poet Geoffrey Chaucer is credited with inventing its legends, traditions, and the characteristics of Saint Valentine. In 1969 the saint’s feast day was removed from the church calendar for being viewed as purely legendary in origin.
    Cupid, the poster child for Valentine’s Day, whose Latin name (Cupere) means desire, was the son of Venus (if Roman), or Aphrodite (if Greek). What most people do not know is that mythology describes Cupid as being happy and cruel. He would shoot his arrows at unsuspecting men and women so that they would fall in Love, not for the sake of spreading Love but to drive them crazy with passion and make their lives miserable, so he could have a good laugh at the insanity he created.
    I believe that we have elevated Valentine’s Day to the point where we have lost sight of its heart. Every day should be Valentine’s Day. We do not honor Love by giving it a day, but by giving it every day.
Here is how we can make every day Valentine’s Day, romantic, passionate, and Filled with Love. Together or alone, celebrate Love!
• See Love, hear Love, speak Love. There are endless examples of Love in our daily lives, moments of kindness that we have the opportunity to show, or that are shown to us; moments of beauty, opportunities to express thanks, gratitude, and appreciation. Slow down for a moment and take life in. Take the time to really experience another person, or allow yourself to really be seen. Speak the kindness and the Love you feel. Tell people how you feel about them and why, what makes them special to you. When someone tells you how they feel, how special you are to them, take a breath, listen, and take it in.
• Do special things. Dinner, vacations, movies, museums, lectures, concerts, a night in a hotel, blowing bubbles, fishing—whatever is special to you or you both. When we give ourselves treats that put a little spin in our day, we make our day a little more memorable, special, set it apart from the rest, and say I am invested in you and in life.
• Give gifts. Anything that is given from our heart, to ourselves or another, is a gift. A note, chocolates, flowers, or anything else can be given anytime. I believe in giving gifts often, for no reason except that it feels good to give and to receive.
• Create romance. Candlelight, music, bubble baths, clothing and bedsheets made of pleasurable materials, a picnic on the floor, and the Moon can be enjoyed alone or with someone. They are all ways of celebrating all that is sensual about life.

What happens on Valentine’s Day does not define you. It does not define Love. You are special, seen, and Loved. Live it.
Live in Love!®

©2008 Erika Morrell

We come to Love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
—Anonymous

3 Steps to Harmony and Happiness This Holiday Season

1. Give Yourself a Gift
Take care of yourself. How soon we forget! The holidays have this very funny way of taking over our lives. It seems as if the work increases and the time we have in the waking hours decreases. Try to remember to Love yourself. To speak kindly to yourself. Take time during the day to get outside to commune with nature and breathe. If you give yourself this one little gift each day you will feel better, have a little less stress, and be able to deal with those around you with patience, understanding, and Love. Of course, meditation never hurt.

Try to keep your physical body in balance. When we feel stress we sometimes forgo what we know keeps us healthy and physically in balance. Since we feel we do not have time, we will skip a meal or eat on the run, or start making less-than-great food choices. It is important to make sure that you are drinking enough water and eating at regular intervals. The less stress you put on your body, the less stress you are under.

Do not underestimate the power of movement. I know the last thing you want to do when you are exhausted is move. I know this time of year it is all you feel you do. Deliberate movement: yoga, qigong, and tai chi will not only help to dissipate some of your physical stress, it will support you in moving your energy, grounding yourself, staying centered and in balance. It will also give you more energy and a sense of well-being.
2. Count Your Blessings
If you have a chance, download “Count Your Blessings,” sung by Bing Crosby. It is an Irving Berlin song from the movie White Christmas. It is one of the most beautiful, inspirational, touching, and profound songs in its simplicity and message. Count your blessings! The holidays bring up a myriad of feelings for all of us. We start taking inventory of our lives. Grieving our losses and disappointments, we start planning our future, our New Year’s resolutions, and commitments to ourselves to have things be better next year. Well, what about all the blessings that the universe gifted you with this year? What about all the beautiful moments of life and beauty? What about all the moments that took your breath away? Oh, how blessed we all are to be here in this moment, to be on our journey stumbling down our path, singing our song. How blessed we are to have been touched by those who have joined us along the way.

When you start to feel the holiday blues, that you are leaving the moment and transporting yourself either to the past or future, or that you just want to feel better, try this exercise: Blessing Box®. Get a box, any kind that is appealing to you. I once had a client that purchased a large wooden hinged box from a craft store and transformed it into a piece of art. Every time she looked at it, she said it reminded her of how she feels when she thinks about how blessed she is. There were silk flowers all over it, butterflies flying off of it, glitter…the whole thing. Buy a box you Love, or create a box that you Love to look at. Whenever you feel you are losing sight of the beauty of life, write down as many blessings as you need to put a big smile on your face and feel the warmth of life in your heart, and put it in the box. Before you know it the energy of the box will support you in living in your blessings. You can also do this same exercise with a journal. A male client of mine carries around a pocket journal and will jot down his blessings throughout the day. Then, when the journal is full, he places it in a special drawer with all the other journals (he has become an expert in viewing life through blessings). Viewing your life through the eyes of your blessings will support you in keeping your spirit bright this holiday season.

3. Give the Greatest Gift of All
Love! (I bet you knew I was going to say that!) The material things in life are blessings, yes, but nothing means more to people than Love. To feel seen, understood, accepted, and recognized for who you are, an expression of your soul on this earth. Nothing means more. To truly connect with another; nothing is a greater gift. To support someone in remembering that we are not alone here; you have no idea how a moment like that changes a life.

Allow yourself to be the gift of Love to everyone this holiday season (my prayer for you is to be that gift in every moment of your life).
Allow yourself to forgive those who have hurt you. Carry no anger. Show kindness, appreciation, and acceptance to everyone. Remember, the bank teller is a person too, so is the homeless man. Judge no one. Everyone does the best they can, no matter how we feel about it. We are all divinely perfect in our imperfection. Remember the great energy (I refer to it as God) created everyone to be just the way they are. The universe ensures that everyone is guided to have the perfect experience for them, the perfect life, and to move through that life in Love. Be the Love that you are.

Wishing you all the happiest of holidays! May they be filled with peace, joy, light, and Love! Thank you for all the blessings you have brought me this year. Thank you for supporting my work and allowing me to touch your lives.

©2007 Erika Morrell

Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole.
—Katherine Morrell

I know my mom was not the first person to say that, but she will always be the voice I remember trying to get me to focus on what was in front of my face, instead of on what my kid sister was doing. I don’t know why, but at that time I felt that there was something better, more fun, something that would please me more elsewhere. The answer could always be found with my kid sister and whatever she was doing. My satisfaction was sure to be found if I were just allowed to play with her toy. But no, I had to focus on the doughnut.
I hear my mother’s voice, and have even been know to laughingly quote her when I am faced with a client that I have come to term “A Hole Watcher”®. A Hole Watcher® is someone that is constantly focusing on what is missing. They focus on how their partner is failing to meet their needs, falling short of their expectation, or not living up to the fantasy of what a relationship should be. Hole Watchers® often spend the majority of their time focusing on what they don’t have, instead of all the wonderful things they do have. They do not pay as much attention to what the relationship and partner do bring to their lives. They are often unaware of what needs they are getting met, and how their partner does meet and frequently exceeds their expectations. Instead of paying attention to what makes the doughnut so good—the cake (mmm, good!)—they are watching the hole.
We often blame our partners for our own feelings of discontent. We look to them to be the answer to everything we are looking for, and if not everything then most things. If we are unhappy, angry, or frustrated, they must have something to do with it. Most of the time they have very little, if nothing, to do with it. We believe that a relationship and being in Love with someone means that we should be living the romantic fairy tale, the fantasy of our dreams, the happily ever after. What we fail to understand is that the relationship is the doughnut. We make it the hole. There are no perfect relationships, and there are no perfect doughnuts. There are no perfect partners except in our dreams. We often fail to remember, or maybe we were never taught, that the person we are with at this very moment is the “right” person. They are meant to be in our lives at this moment for many reasons, the main one being that they are a reflection of who we are inside. They are here to teach us what we need to learn. We are meant to embrace, enjoy, and focus on all the beauty this person brings to our lives.
H.O.L.E. is my acronym for our Hallucination Others Love Erroneously. There is no such thing as erroneous love. If we are loved, that love is perfect. Our partner at this time gives us the best they can. They love us in the most perfect way that they are capable of at this time. Most partners are very invested in the other’s happiness. Most partners try their best to provide what the other partner desires. Are we enjoying the doughnut or watching the hole?
Have you ever really looked at a doughnut hole? It grows. The longer you look at it, the bigger it becomes. The same is true if you are focusing on what you perceive as missing in your partner. Dr. Wayne Dyer put it best: “…problems in a relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person.” The bigger the hole, the more discontented you will feel. The more disharmonies will exist in the relationship.
How to get yourself out of the H.O.L.E.:
• Make an appreciation list. List as many things as you can that you appreciate about your partner, how many beautiful things they bring to your life, reasons why you love them. Do this for as many consecutive days as you can until you live in the perfection of the relationship.
• Write your partner a thank-you card, thanking them for all they bring you.
• Pay attention. Allow yourself to see the gifts your partner brings to your life, even if you “would do it differently.”
• Realize that what we perceive as missing in our partner is more often then not what we are missing in ourselves. If we can understand that we perceived this in our partner first to call it to our own attention, we can change it in our own life. It will no longer be missing and we will start to be able to experience our relationship more clearly and with much more Love.
• As you take these steps allow yourself to become conscious of the joy and Love growing in your relationship.
• Whenever you find yourself concentrating on what is missing in your partner or relationship, remember to Watch the Doughnut, Not the Hole!

We must understand that the doughnut is what really exists in our partner, and that the hole, what we perceive is missing in our partner and our relationship, is really just a projection of what we are suppose to heal in ourselves. We can stop being so critical of our partner and start being a little more compassionate with ourselves and looking for ways to make ourselves more harmonious with our own lives. If we are willing to take more responsibility for our own happiness, and stop blaming our partner, then we allow the relationship to be exactly what it was meant to be. The icing on the cake, or doughnut, if you will.
When we develop the skill to fully appreciate what we have, right now, in this moment of our lives we allow ourselves to be free. We also allow ourselves to be happy. Life is too short to not enjoy the doughnut!
©2007 Erika Morrell
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
—Mother Teresa

What if I told you that true Love existed for all of us right now? In this moment the Love we seek is right there ripe to be picked. What stops most of us from enjoying the fruit is how little we know about the tree. There is that tree that we pass on our way to work, to the grocery store, every day, maybe even two or three times a day if not more. We never really notice it. This tree may possess the most beautiful blooms; it may change colors with the seasons, and contain the most glorious fruit all year long. The truth is we fail to see it. Now if we had purchased the tree, chose it based on what it looked like, our expectation of how it would fit in our garden, how it behaved and produced, would be a constant focus of our attention. We would wait for the tree to fill our expectation of how it would look, how fast it would grow, and what kind of fruit it would bear. We often miss the tree that can provide us beauty and fruit as we pass it every day, not even noticing it.
Most of us have a very concrete picture of what Love looks like, as if we are going to go to a store and purchase it. We have a list of whom the person should be, what they will look like, how they will make us feel, as if Love can be controlled that way. We create an illusion for ourselves; if we can check off all the things on the list, then that is Love. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is not Love. It is a lot of things, but not Love. Often our list of things that we are looking for in someone is based on our history, fear, the incomplete parts of ourselves with a little societal expectation thrown in for good measure. We have the idea that this list will lead us to the person that will complete us, fulfill us, and make us happy. It does not. It often leads us to the person who, after the initial attraction wears off, has very little, if nothing, to offer us.
Sometimes the list makes us turn our attention away from people who do not meet our criteria. My favorite example of this was a client of mine who had been dating a lot and was interested in marriage. She was talking with me about three dates she had gone on that week. She was planning to go out with two of the gentlemen again; they both met all the requirements on her list. There was no way she would see the third gentleman again, she told me. I knew that this man was her Soul Mate. When I explored with her the reasons that she was uninterested in him, it came down to four things that did not meet the requirements of her list; she was not attracted to him, he was not from the U.S., she did not like the way he dressed, and she felt they did not have a lot in common. So I asked her to please see him three more times, then after that I would drop it. Hesitantly she agreed. To make a long story short, they were married in Italy five years ago and are very happy together.
We spend a lot of time focusing on our lack of Love, trying to control how it will look and behave when it shows up. We spend our time trying to make sure we will find it in the form of the “perfect person.” So much of our time is spent in the pursuit of Love that we often miss Love, like we miss that tree. Well, what if we were to stop? What would happen if we were to begin to become observant of what and who surrounded us? Would we notice that tree, see it, appreciate it, eat the fruit that it so generously offered us? Or would we allow our expectations to cloud our vision?
To see Love more clearly:
• Find something to Love in everyone. Every person we meet has something that is worthy of Love. I think we sometimes lose sight of the fact that each and every person on this earth is a one-of-a-kind being. There are no two of us alike.
• Free Love! Be willing to let go of your expectations of Love. It will never be what we dream it to be. If we are willing to let go of our expectation of Love, it does have the ability to exceed our dreams.
• Stop looking for it. Be willing to see where Love already exists.
• Be willing to call a spade a spade. Attraction is not necessarily an introduction to Love. Physical compatibility is just that, physical compatibility.
• Accept Love in whatever form it takes. Just because it does not look how we think it should is not a reason to reject it. It is showing up in whatever form it does because that is how we are meant to experience it.
• Love takes time to grow, like a tree. If Love is allowed to grow, its fruit is ripe all season.
Love is always there. Our ability to have it goes along with our readiness to see it. Love requires us to let go of our expectations and preconceived notions of what it should be and what we need from it. It asks us to let go of the idea of perfection and our lists. It asks to be in the truth of it. If we do not have it, it is because we do not see it. We do not see the person clearly, what they bring us, who they help us to become. Free Love!

©2007 Erika Morrell